Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
You Might Also Like
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
💯😂
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
peak technology
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.