Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
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If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I would move hell over six inches for you
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
this is literally a CIA plant
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down