When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
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i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?