Dating sites don’t work for everyone 馃憥
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How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don鈥檛 do that anymore.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don鈥檛 leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I鈥檓 obviously making a huge impact in her life.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalape帽o for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalape帽os on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalape帽o you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Does this dress make me look cat?
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.