“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
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The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.