#WhenIWas12IThought very little 馃檶
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This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
My brain at 6am: I鈥檓 tired.
My brain at 9am: I鈥檓 tired.
My brain at 1pm: I鈥檓 tired.
My brain at 5pm: I鈥檓 tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can鈥檛 remember why you came upstairs.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician