Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
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[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
me after eating Cheetos
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
he’s sick of your bullshit today
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”