*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
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Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
this will hang in the louvre one day
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
🙂🐾
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …