came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
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Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Challenge accepted.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE