ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
You Might Also Like
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Ken is short for chicken
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..