Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
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It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.