Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.