Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
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12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.