I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
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me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
The first one, obviously
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
There are no pants in heaven.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
😎 🍻
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?