Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
You Might Also Like
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.