[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
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under no circumstances will my brother take the L
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.