Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
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surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”