do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
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Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”