Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
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When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.