Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
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My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
#Caturday
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
yeet
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’