Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
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Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
But I really needed water water water
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
This forever.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.