It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
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[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me: