It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
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I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough