And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
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My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Remember folks 😂
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.