I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
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Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Never forget.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Canada has crack?
Yup.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend