You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
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There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Yup!
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.