employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
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OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
very niche meme I made
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
SCARY COSTUME
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.