Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
You Might Also Like
According to math, I’m broke
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans