Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
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Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
my professor scared me for a second
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus