I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
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i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …