8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
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CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
he’s doing your taxes
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes