parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
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Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
crying
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.