Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
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Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Come back with a warrant
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.