Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
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*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.