My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
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Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*