“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
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“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks