where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
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What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
me and my fake scenarios
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.