A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
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I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
For anyone who needs this today
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me