I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
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don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle