I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
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Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
plums roundup
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Same post same
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
He was looking for a job and then he found a job