I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
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On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on