We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
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I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.