Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
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[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Liquor Store Parking
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.