a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
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This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Can’t, holding a grudge
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.