Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
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Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee