♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
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mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
do horses think humans are hats
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*