Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
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Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .