wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
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I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.