It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
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If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.