ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
You Might Also Like
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?